Be it home, school, work, or business — disagreement is an inevitable part of life. It is entirely normal to have conflict, after all, two people can’t be expected to agree on everything all the time. I do realize that often. With Covid-19, we all spend more time at home, and, while it gives us more time with our loved ones, it also naturally leads to more conflicts, especially within the family .
More couples seek counselling as circuit breaker, working from home put strain on marriages https://www.channelnewsasia.com/news/singapore/more-couples-seek-marriage-counselling-covid-19-circuit-breaker-13181398
Surprisingly, research says that disagreement is not always a bad thing. Instead, it can be one of the primary forces for positive change. I am often placed in a situation to diffuse a conflict, and one thing I have noticed is that as long as all the parties want to make it work, the relationship takes on a new level of trust each time we manage to overcome it well.
5 Benefits of Workplace Conflict https://irc.queensu.ca/articles/5-benefits-workplace-conflict.
So, the goal here should not be to avoid conflict. Instead, your focus should be on how you can develop skills to resolve conflict in a respectful, positive, and healthy way and thus strengthening your bond instead of damaging it.
I was asked in a recent mentoring event in the local university, “How do you handle conflict in general”, I shared briefly these points, which have helped me turn a discrepancy into an opportunity, a conflict into an alliance. No rocket science actually….
1) Lower your voice, breathe slowly, and deactivate your angry mode
Here’s a quick and painless biology lesson: slow and deep breaths increase the activity of the vagus nerve, which, when stimulated, calms the body, slows down heart rate, lowers blood pressure, and relaxes muscles. When your brain gets informed of these changes, it too then relaxes, thus increasing the feelings of calmness, which helps you think better.
So, whenever you are in a conflict, first and foremost, bring your body out of the fighting-mode by lowering your voice and taking calm deep breaths.
2) Put yourself in their shoes and seek to understand before being understood.
Allow the other person to get their whole point across. Don’t interrupt, don’t judge, and pay attention to them in the true sense. Ask yourself, “How would I feel if I was in their situation?”
Try to feel what the other person is feeling because, to be understood, you first have to know where the other person is coming from. Try to see how the other person may be hurt and whether if they are trying to convey their pain through their actions and words.
By listening more, you may discover another aspect of the situation you were not previously aware of, get to know the other person better, and limit yourself and your argument to what’s truly important.
Often, children suffer most when parents assume and start scolding before they even get to hear their side of the story. What makes it worse is that many of them, because of language limitations or because of the lack courage, cannot get their point across. I hate it most, when I jumped into conclusions too quickly, fault someone, only to know that that they did it because they cared for me. Their intent may not be the same as the actual impact of their actions or words.
3) Be humble and understand that you are not correct 100% of the time.
To err is human. As human being, we are all susceptible to making mistakes, but fortunately, we also can self-reflect. Take a time out and reflect on your contribution. Ask yourself questions. What was my intent? Was I trying to disrespect, hurt, malign, or attack? Or maybe, was I too defensive?
Understand that you might have been carried away by emotions and made a mistake. A sincere apology can go a long way in healing hurt or angry feelings. So, if you find out that you were wrong, don’t hesitate to express you were wrong because a simple apology can go a long way in saving a relationship.
To our mentees of Voices Of Asia (www.VoicesOfAsia.org), if you struggle with your relationship with your parents at home, try spending more time (I know it can be uncomfortable) to humble, seek first to understand and be always ready to apologize.
4. Listen to your “voice”.
Some may call it the voice of God, some simply, just pay attention to your disturbances and learn to tune in with your feelings. Try some solitude and give yourself some more time to introspect on your emotions and understand your self before getting into an argument.
Upon close inspection, you may realize that your reasons for conflicts lie within you and not the other person. Reflecting and non-judgmentally observing your thoughts will sometimes help you resolve conflicts without needing to get into an argument. The more in touch you are with your inner voice, the better and more peaceful the outcome will be.
Wherever this “Voice” comes from, you need stillness to hear. In Lazada, we are big on reflections and we often encourage our employees to take time off to reflect, meditate, pray or whatever that helps you find that moment of stillness.
It is very important.
Join us at www.VoicesOfAsia.org to find a mentor, a friend and lots of learning opportunities.
Love to hear your thoughts…
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Kelvin Kong, Founder & Mentor, Voices Of Asia & Chief People Officer, Lazada Singapore
